whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
