Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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