Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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