fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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