It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
