can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
high people should be assigned attendants
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
