I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
