I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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