she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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