New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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