what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
