Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
