i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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