ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
