There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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