She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
