Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
