My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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