I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
