I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
