I just saw a hot homeless man
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
