I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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