I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
