I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
