My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
