when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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