I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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