Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
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It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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