My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
