sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
