hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
