I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
