You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
