For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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