Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
