i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
