I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
