Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize