Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
