you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
