I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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