at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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