tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
