I cockslap morals
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
