just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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