Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
