Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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