I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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