If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
