it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
