THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
