i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
