i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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