I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
