I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
