I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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