Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
