I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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